It is ok to not be ok and let people know about it

  • Surviving the first week of 2023

    Today I am going to rate as a 6! I had some wins today! Spent the day with Cheryl, killed it at the gym and figuring out what my triggers are!

    Today I feel Alive, so much better than I felt on Christmas Eve which was kind of the final straw for my downward spiral!

    I am a work in progress but ai am going to take these wins, because it is good for my heart and soul! I made it to the gym 5 days this week and killed it every day! Perfect place for me to get out of my head!

    Thank you all for checking in and being an amazing tribe! Still healing and I have a long way to go, but I never let myself get as low as I did on Christmas Day! I have way to much to live for and 2023 is going to be my year of growth, self care and mental health awareness!

    Thanks for sticking with me!

  • Baby steps and an epiphany

    All I have to say is my Wife is freaking amazing, I am so lucky to have her by my side and my Tribe is Badass and amazing! I think that sometimes I take all of you for granted and for this I am sorry! Thank you for standing behind me and holding me up when I don’t have the mental strength to do it on my own!

    I had therapy today and I am starting to figure out how the downward spiral happened! As you all know I am taking an early retirement from a job that I have worked at for 14.7 years. When I leave I am taking a mini sabbatical for 19 weeks and I am a little afraid of that. I have worked since I was 16 and I am used to structure like, get up, feed the cats, go to work, be a badass, take a nap, eat some lunch, be a badass, stop work and hang with Cheryl. On 4/11/2023 that structure stops.

    I am working with my therapist to come up with a routine when that happens, because I have a ton of anxiety around this. My homework for this week is to come up with 10 things I like to do and 10 things I want to do in that 19 week span. Easier said than done but I am going to put some thought into this.

    Other contributing factors were the last 3 months of the year were hard, Cheryl being sick, our cat died, a good friend died, Cheryl’s dad passed away and of course the holiday blues. I am sure there is more but that was enough to push me over the edge.

    I am learning to open up and set some boundaries and figure out different ways to deal with the merry-go-round in my head! Like going to the gym, listening to music and some meditation. This is a marathon but Inam willing to take as long as I need to go get to the other side of this!

    I am going to rate today as a 6 because ai had some small wins!

    Yes I did go to the gym tonight and I am sure my legs are going to be giving me a big fu tomorrow!

  • The shittiest thing I did to someone I loved while under the tsunami of grief and depression

    Feeling angry 😡

    When I hit my low, I sent out a text to someone that I love deeply as a friend and I was brutally honest and in hindsight a giant asshole.

    I hurt my friend, I broke their trust, I made them cry and question their choices in having me as a friend. I was there person.


    I tried calling but they won’t accept my call if I was them I wouldn’t accept my call either.

    I have texted them to let them know I was not in my right mind when I wrote the text and that my depression had taken over. I have apologized profusely in every word available. I feel horrible and I know that they are going to shut me out for a while so rebuilding that friendship is going to be like me getting to the other side of my depression. It will be a marathon and not a sprint. I need to prove that I am a bigger person than my depression.

    I need to build back their trust, their love and their kindness. They have been there for many major ups and downs in my life and in one text I ruined all of it.

    it makes me sadder than hell and I am truly sorry for what I did and now I don’t know how to fix it. They are 2000 miles away so I can’t sit outside their front door and beg them to talk to me

    i get it I fucked up and I have been beating myself up every single second since I did this. What a shitty way to ring in 2023.

  • 2023 will be an amazing year

    So many good things are coming up for this year. I am retiring early from a company that I have worked at for 14.7 years. This may have lead to part of my depression tsunami that hit me on Christmas Day. It is bittersweet because I am leaving a job that I loved and made life long friends.

    I have been working since I was 16 years old and now I am pushing 59.5 years old so it is a little intimidating staring out brand new. I am taking a mini sabbatical and in the summer I will get a new job. But I have a little bit of imposter syndrome maybe because I have been doing this job for so long and it just comes naturally to me.

    I am taking an amazing trip to Europe in May something I have promised my wife for years and now we not only have the time but the money.

    My fear is that this tsunami of grief that I am feeling now will sneak it’s way back into my life and make all these hopes and dreams harder than they should.

    One thing I am going to do this year is focus on myself and make myself a priority.

    As I continue through therapy every day is a new day. I am going to continue putting 1 foot in front of another to get to a better and stronger version of myself. I know I need to put in the work and I am willing to do it.

    It is also going to be a healthier year for me as I am getting a membership at the local gym and I am hoping that will help with my mental state.

    One thing for sure is I am not going to give up on myself. There is way to much to live for!

    , , ,

  • Give yourself credit for trying!

    www.instagram.com/reel/CmwL0AhDqs4/

  • Give yourself grace!

    www.instagram.com/p/Cm20HSkSSO3/

  • My post to my tribe on Facebook

    By now most of you have figured out that I have had a mental health breakdown! I want to normalize that it is okay to let others know that you are not okay!

    Believe me I have been in denial for awhile and thought that I could take care of myself by shoving my feelings down and just going on with my day.

    This all changed over the weekend when I could not shake the depression and the sadness. It scared me and it was then that I realized that I needed help. I got myself a therapist and I have opened up and it has been freeing!

    It surprised me because I am the last person to think that would have a mental breakdown, because I am happy go lucky and as irreverent as hell. I am everyone’s cheerleader and I have so many amazing things that are going to happen in 2023.

    Not sure what was the final trigger, but I am happy it happened because I am on my way to healing and getting to the other side of this as a better version of me. Self Love and Self care are on the top of the list!

    2023 is going to be so amazing with changes, new challenges, crazy adventures, a mini sabbatical and living my best life with my amazing wife Cheryl! I am so freaking lucky to have her in my life. Thank you to my amazing family and friends for reaching out and being so encouraging and loving and being my cheerleaders and shoulder to cry on and talking me off the ledge!

    #depressionawareness #depressionisreal #depression #sad #NormalizeTalkingAboutMentalHealth #itsoktonotbeok #mentalhealth #bekindtoyourself #2023willbeamazing #therapy #selfcare #iamnumberone

  • My second post on LinkedIn

    https://www.linkedin.com/posts/gaschoser_the-strong-ones-are-the-ones-everyone-relies-activity-7015072221421260800-aSU1?utm_source=share&utm_medium=member_ios

  • This is what I posted to LinkedIn

    We should not be afraid to let our cold-workers, managers and peers know what we are going through! Life is hard and we need our tribe to stand behind us and catch us when we are falling! We also need to let people know when we are falling or failing l. You should NEVER be afraid to ask for help

    It is time that we start normalizing how we talk about depression.

    Take the time to check in on your family, friends, coworkers, employees. The holidays are hard on many people and you never know the personal demons people are dealing with, so be kind!

    Like most people I locked these feelings deep inside me until it got so overwhelming.

    I look and act perfectly fine on the outside but on the inside it is a sh*t show of some super deep sadness and depression.

    I have been in a super sad place for the last couple of weeks. I made a promise to my wife, my family and my friends a couple of days ago that of if I could not shake the state this super depressed state I would get some professional help. I have not been able to shake this like I have been able to do in the past. So now it is time for a professional. I am just tired of being so sad. I am calling my EAP program at work tomorrow!

    I can’t put a finger on what exactly triggered all of this but I am sure it is a culmination of many things.

    I do know that 2023 holds so many awesome things for me changes, challenges, adventures, love, acceptance, accomplishments and happiness. I just need some professional help to get me over this hump.

    I hope this post helps others know that it is OK to not be OK. There are 1000’s of professionals out there that are willing to help you dig yourself out of the hole.

    The world has so much to offer and I have seen with my own eyes the happiness that life brings especially when I surround myself with those that love me.

    Remember to be kind to yourself and wrap your self in self love! i know these feelings will not last forever because I chose to get help and get to the other side a better version of myself!

    Thank you to my Wife, family and friends that have reached out because of my cryptic posts. I had to hit bottom before I decided that I needed to get professional help. Thank you for loving me and caring enough to reach out you mean the world to me!
    #work #help #happiness #depression #depressionhelp #bekind #checkin #personaldemons #accomplishments #loveyourself #people #therapy #sadness #holidayblues #988lifeline #dontgiveup #people

  • How it all started

    This time last week I was at the lowest point in my life. All our plans for Christmas has to be cancelled because the weather outside was horrid!

    See I live in a rural farming community in upstate NY and on Friday the 23rd of December we had a variety of weather it rained then went below freezing then snowed and we had super bad wind and the temp outside was in the negative’s.

    Because of the super cold weather our cars would not start and our driveway was an ice rink. So there was no way for anyone to get to our house for dinner on Christmas Eve. This is when my downward spiral really sunk in. Usually I can shake off the sad depression but this time I could not shake it and I was sadder than I have ever been. The holidays had caught up to me, lots of changes at work and then this. By the time Christmas had come on the 25th I was in such a horrible sad headspace that even a walk to the local store was not helping. I was short with everyone around me and I could not shake this depressed feeling.

    I knew right then that it was time to call a professional because I had cried more in 72 hours than I had in 72 months. I was able to get an appointment with a therapist right away.

    It was at this moment in my life that I wanted to publish my journey with depression to let everyone know that it is ok to let people know when you are not okay. If I can help just one person than this will help my heart.

    I am working on myself and when I come out on the other side of this I will be a better, stronger version of myself.

    I will post here what I post on my social media sites, LinkedIn, Facebook and Instagram. It is important for us to talk about our struggles because I can tell you my tribe came through in a big way for me. This includes my incredible wife, my family, my managers at work and my friends.

    The one thing I am learning is that I need to give myself patience, grace, love and laughter!