All I have to say is my Wife is freaking amazing, I am so lucky to have her by my side and my Tribe is Badass and amazing! I think that sometimes I take all of you for granted and for this I am sorry! Thank you for standing behind me and holding me up when I don’t have the mental strength to do it on my own!

I had therapy today and I am starting to figure out how the downward spiral happened! As you all know I am taking an early retirement from a job that I have worked at for 14.7 years. When I leave I am taking a mini sabbatical for 19 weeks and I am a little afraid of that. I have worked since I was 16 and I am used to structure like, get up, feed the cats, go to work, be a badass, take a nap, eat some lunch, be a badass, stop work and hang with Cheryl. On 4/11/2023 that structure stops.

I am working with my therapist to come up with a routine when that happens, because I have a ton of anxiety around this. My homework for this week is to come up with 10 things I like to do and 10 things I want to do in that 19 week span. Easier said than done but I am going to put some thought into this.

Other contributing factors were the last 3 months of the year were hard, Cheryl being sick, our cat died, a good friend died, Cheryl’s dad passed away and of course the holiday blues. I am sure there is more but that was enough to push me over the edge.

I am learning to open up and set some boundaries and figure out different ways to deal with the merry-go-round in my head! Like going to the gym, listening to music and some meditation. This is a marathon but Inam willing to take as long as I need to go get to the other side of this!

I am going to rate today as a 6 because ai had some small wins!

Yes I did go to the gym tonight and I am sure my legs are going to be giving me a big fu tomorrow!

Feeling angry 😡

When I hit my low, I sent out a text to someone that I love deeply as a friend and I was brutally honest and in hindsight a giant asshole.

I hurt my friend, I broke their trust, I made them cry and question their choices in having me as a friend. I was there person.

I tried calling but they won’t accept my call if I was them I wouldn’t accept my call either.

I have texted them to let them know I was not in my right mind when I wrote the text and that my depression had taken over. I have apologized profusely in every word available. I feel horrible and I know that they are going to shut me out for a while so rebuilding that friendship is going to be like me getting to the other side of my depression. It will be a marathon and not a sprint. I need to prove that I am a bigger person than my depression.

I need to build back their trust, their love and their kindness. They have been there for many major ups and downs in my life and in one text I ruined all of it.

it makes me sadder than hell and I am truly sorry for what I did and now I don’t know how to fix it. They are 2000 miles away so I can’t sit outside their front door and beg them to talk to me

i get it I fucked up and I have been beating myself up every single second since I did this. What a shitty way to ring in 2023.

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